enigma_84

enigma_84 @ 2006-09-26T06:56:00

2006-09-26T04:03:42Z

I feel little bit depressed.
I've been taking my medications for a week now.
So,
that might be causing my depression and anxiety.

I met a guy about a week ago.
At first he felt so good,
and I thought he might be the one,
but something happened.
I don't know what.
But I just realized that it was not going to work out.
I hope he can still be my friend.
Because even though our relationship didn't work,
he's a good guy.

I'm just so fucking tired of being alone.
I want to have someone to call my love.

enigma_84 @ 2006-09-18T12:59:00

2006-09-18T10:00:54Z

..........................................................................

enigma_84 @ 2006-09-11T13:21:00

2006-09-11T10:22:48Z

I have so many new friends!
They are all men, but does it matter.

I didn't go to school today..
I slept too late, didn't hear the alarm.

I feel like doing something,
just don't know what...

...

2006-09-01T05:43:56Z

My friend came yesterday at 11.00 am.
And left at 08.30 pm.
She stayed here all day and that was great !
I think we had fun.
At least I did!:)

I send a message to my teacher yesterday,
she promised to help me with my studies.

Cats are starting to go crazy:)
Or maybe they are just playing.
And having fun.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do today.
Some people would like to see me.
Hmm..

...

2006-08-31T05:07:32Z

I'm not going to school today...
I just don't feel like it.
Even though I should be there.

Well, I will go next week,
I promise that to myself.

My friend didn't come yesterday,
she's coming today.

I wrote yesterday about my new cat Laku.
Now he and Lucifer are like best friends.
I think it was a good idea to take Laku,
'cos now those two can play together.

I feel little bit lonely.
I miss someone.
I don't know who.
I wanna fall in love.
I wanna find a man.
Sometimes it just feels,
like there's nobody for me.
Or maybe I just don't find him.
But, I'm not losing hope.
He will come on my way,
who ever he is.

...

2006-08-30T11:35:51Z

I have a new cat, his name is Laku.
Now Lucifer has a friend.
He is black and so handsome boy.
I love my cats.
Hope, they will not fight very much..
I want them to be friends.

My friend is coming to see Laku today.
That's great!
I love to see her!

Today I would really need to go to school,
but I'm not sure do I dare to leave those cats alone..
I wanna be here,
if fighting gets too rough.

...

2006-08-30T03:39:05Z

I'm not doing so well.
I feel tired all the time,
and school feels shitty.
Because,
I feel, like I don't have any reason to do anything.

So lonely.
I need someone by my side.
I'm tired of being alone.
Ï miss the feeling that I get,
when somebody hugs me,
or kisses me.
The feeling, that somebody cares.

I need love.
Lots of love.

Thank God,
today is a short day at school.
After that,
I'm going to see my friend.
I like seen her,
we have lots of fun together.

Well...
Gotta go..

...

2006-08-25T14:55:47Z

I'm high.

...

2006-08-22T03:33:58Z

So, weekend is over..
I had so much fun.

Yesterday I was at school,
I felt better,
I'm not sick anymore,
even though,
I still have to take medicines for six days.

I like being at school,
so many nice people,
I can't feel alone at all.
I don't have any friends yet,
but I think that will change.

...

2006-08-19T08:24:02Z

Yesterday was a crazy day.

I drank few beers last night.
That was nothing.
It really didn't affect me.

A friend of mine came to see me.
Everything was ok,
until I decided to smoke a little pot.
And there I went.
I was very high, very fast.
But nicely.

My friend left,
and another came.
I was high all evening.

Today I got to take it easy.

...

2006-08-18T05:44:08Z

So,
I don't have a boyfriend anymore.
I'm not sad about it.
Maybe it was a relief.
I'm not so anxious anymore.
I don't have to think,
where he is,
what he is doing,
who with he is.
Is he cheating on me ?

At first it felt good relationship.
But then I got stressed.
I couldn't trust him anymore.
He acted like he had something else going on
at the same time,
with someone else.
I cried and I was sad.

Now I don't feel a thing.
I can focus on my studies.

Nobody believes it,
but it's better this way.

Relationship should be something else,
than being sad and suffer and stress.

enigma_84 @ 2006-08-14T06:57:00

2006-08-14T03:59:40Z

I met him at saturday too.
It was very nice.
I have a new friend and that's great.

I think I'm single again.
I'm not sure.
I haven't heard anything from honey
at least a week.
Well..
I don't care.
How ever this goes,
I'm so strong,
that he can't hurt me.
Nobody can.

Today is my last day at work.
Tomorrow school starts.

enigma_84 @ 2006-08-12T14:03:00

2006-08-12T11:05:51Z

The guy I met few days ago,
came at my place yesterday.
We talked,
had few ciders.
Lots of fun.

He's still here,
but I guess he's leaving soon.
I know for sure,
that we will meet again.

I should go take a shower,
then go to the market and buy two ciders for tonight.

School starts at tuesday.
I'm really excited.

...

2006-08-09T04:25:54Z

Good f***ing morning.
I slept too late.
I was supposed to get up at 5.30 am.
I didn't hear the alarm, so I woke up at 7.00 am.
Now I won't catch the 7.30 bus,
it means I'm going to be late at work.

I met someone yesterday.
A really nice guy,
I promised to see him today.
I'm anxious.
Even though I should not be.
He asked me, and I said yes.
He wants to see me,
so why am I nervous.
And we are going out just as friends.

Can't write anymore,
I need to go to shower.
I have to catch the next bus.

...

2006-08-06T13:16:41Z

I feel exhausted.

I spent the weekend at my parents house.
That was nice.
I was there,
'cos I could not be alone.
If I would have stayed at home alone,
I would probably just got more depressed and anxious.

Tomorrow starts a new week,
I have to be at work early.

At thursday I have an appointment at doctor.
I need to get some more medicines.

Tonight I try to relax and sleep well.

...

2006-07-29T18:03:57Z

I felt very happy,
when I got up this morning.
My honey was lying next to me.
I felt like I am the happiest person in this world.
What have I done,
to deserve this kind of happiness.

I wish he could come to me tonight.
I miss him already.

I have felt myself little tired today.
But I didn't let myself to stay in bed all day.
I took a shower and went to the market.
Bought pasta etc. Made food when I got back home.

And just a while ago I went to the market again.
Bought three bottles of beer and some ice cream.

Now I just spent my time surfing.
Until I start feeling tired again..

...

2006-07-23T11:54:39Z

Yesterday was a good day.
I was shopping with mum.
I got so much new clothes! Nice.

Today I will see my darling.
He was supposed to come last night,
but he could not come.
That was sad.
But today he will come and I am so happy.

I feel very sleepy all the time.
Last night I slept like nine hours.
I woke up at seven.
Drank my coffee and went back to bed.. to sleep.
Then woke up at 1.00 pm.

Maybe I should make some coffee.
It might cheer me up.

...

2006-07-21T19:28:36Z

I haven't written in a long time.
Writing has felt so hard.. I don't know why.

I've been depressed.
Everything feels so shitty sometimes.
I'm fighting with myself.
Life can be difficult if you hate yourself as much as I hate myself.
It still feels, like there is too much of me.
I can't eat, or if I do, I have to throw up.
Then I can feel good about myself (sick!),
but at the same time, I feel weak.

I thank God,
that I have my darling by my side.
I can trust him,
he's the one,
who is always there.
I love him more than anything.

enigma_84 @ 2006-06-14T05:57:00

2006-06-14T03:00:35Z

I don't feel anything.
It's so weird.

I don't care what someone says,
or what happens,
it's just.. "I don't care..".

I believe this is all about my medication.
It's the same kind of feeling,
that I had three years ago.
When I don't feel a thing.

Friday..

2006-06-09T15:02:24Z

Thank god, weekend is coming.
Two free days. I can do whatever I want.
I'm going to rest.
Sooo tired.

...

2006-06-07T03:12:00Z

Today I will try harder.
Yesterday didn't go so well. I failed.

Summer is coming.
I need to do something to myself.
I need to lose weight.
Sometimes I feel so stupid, having these thoughts.
Why is it so hard to be me.
Why can't I except myself.
Be happy to be alive, live my life.

I just want to feel good about myself.
I want to feel comfortable in my body.
Right now I really don't.
Most of the time I hate myself.
I wish I was someone else.
Someone else,
without these problems.

Trying so hard...

2006-06-06T03:35:42Z

... to make each moment count..

I don't feel good about myself right now. I need to do better. I need to be better.
Sometimes, or should I say, quite often I think, I've lost control of my life. It feels like something else is controlling me and my life and there's nothing I can do.
I'm having hard time to except myself. There's just too much me in this world. I need to be smaller and smaller.
I make myself suffer to get there. It's not healthy, it's not normal. I know all that.
It just so hard to give up, 'cause the monster has a hold on me.

Feeling so tired..

2006-06-04T13:34:03Z

I saw my boyfriend yesterday. I was so happy. He's the love of my life and makes me feel good about myself.
When I'm with him, it feels like I'm home.

I had few beers yesterday. Everything didn't go so well, because I found myself vomiting three times during that evening. I felt so weird. I was so sleepy and couldn't keep my eyes open, everything went round and round.

Today I feel good. Little bit bad feelings... Because I ate and it made me feel like a failure.
I'm supposed to lose some weight.. Not eating and gaining weight.. So hard.
I have no one to talk to. Or maybe I do, I just feel that nobody really understands how this feels. How I feel.

I'm trying to be strong.

Today..

2006-06-03T08:23:03Z

I will start writing here today.
I think this is a good thing for me. Write down how I feel and what I think.

Today I feel so lonely. I would just like to be with someone. See my best friend or something. It could cheer me up.
I'm afraid that depression is trying to come back into my life. I'm fighting. I just can't help feeling down.
I'm waiting a phone call from my boyfriend. But no.. The phone just woun't ring. I don't know how to be alone. Sometimes it's okay, but usually it makes me wanna cry. I need people around me.